AN URGENT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE UNITED NATIONS ACADEMY OF SCIENCES, AND THE EUROPEAN, BRITISH, AND AMERICAN COLLEGES OF MATHEMATICIANS AND GEOMETERS,
TO THEIR MEMBER PROFESSIONALS, TEACHERS, AND RESEARCHERS:
After much study and reflection, the aforenamed bodies hereby declare that 1 plus 1 does not equal 2, but, rather, add up to any other self-identified sum, as preferred by the adder. This is a long-belated conclusion that has already been ratified by the WEF, European Parliament, U.S. Department of Education, Kindergarten Teachers Internationale, European Sorority of Day-Care Professionals, Education Faculty of Harvard, and the Bill and Belinda Gates Foundation, along with other world-renowned experts and followers of the mathematical and arithmetical sciences which have been under attack of late by right-wing extremists. (It is also widely acknowledged in indigenous wisdom, including that of the matriarchal Wakee Wakee tribe of Polynesia, in whose ancient oral counting system the numeral 2 has always been optional and is regularly skipped.)
Following many (one might say, innumerable) studies in the humanities, sociology, and anthropology departments of the world’s leading universities, the proposition 1 + 1 = 2 must be recognized as dangerous and harmful disinformation, offensive to the innumerate, injurious to self-esteem, and a toxic social construct that many continue to profess out of unconscious prejudice and a deeply entrenched systemic binarism. Binarism (also known as duality) is a poisonous and outmoded concept that has given rise to specious dichotomies over the course of history (male and female, right and wrong, true and false, master and slave, friend and enemy, native and alien) and must henceforth be expunged from mathematical theory.
In anticipation of legislation (soon be encoded in the constitutions of the most progressive democracies around the globe) making the proposition 1 = 1 = 2 an act of discrimination against marginalized non-binary communities, and a violation of the universal rights of man, the aforenamed make it known to its licensed professionals, researchers, publishers of mathematical textbooks or journals, or teachers of mathematics, that anyone who is reported to affirm that 1 = 1 = 2, in schools, in print, in public lectures, or on social media, will be subject to immediate censure, re-training, and/or professional de-certification.
The aforenamed bodies also declare that the so-called “right angle” is an atavistic construct of patriarchal and heteronormative geometry (invented by the misogynous and slave-owning Greeks), and that the 90th degree shall henceforth be removed from the geometer’s protractor, to be replaced by either 89 or 91 degrees (or anything close), which shall henceforth be known as the “left angle”, or “good enough”. (Let it be known, besides, that in architecture, the construction industry, carpentry, furniture manufacture, and other building trades, lines and planes (as in door jambs and headers, rails and stiles) shall henceforth meet at the left angle, or good enough. In woodworking, traditional joints such as mortise and tenon, half-lap, and bridle must be eschewed as obviously binary-gendered, and superseded by the more progressive tenon-to-tenon joint, mortise-to-mortise joint, and, as the alternatively-oriented may prefer, the exquisite butt joint.) In theoretical geometry, such planar and three-dimensional figures as the right-angled triangle, rectangle, square, and cube are no longer to be mentioned or referred to, and the intolerant and un-inclusive geometrical concepts of “straightness”, “perpendicularity”, and “horizontality” are to denominated, respectively, “diversity”, “equity”, and “inclusion”.
AN ADDENDUM FROM THE CDC, NIH, FDA, WHO, AND THE EUROPEAN, BRITISH, AND AMERICAN COLLEGES OF PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS.
The aforenamed bodies wish it known that they wholeheartedly endorse these declarations and expect that, as followers of the science, their medical professionals will observe them rigorously.
As we all know, the aforenamed bodies, in their determination to follow the science, have come under relentless attack for the past three years by right-wing extremists and other anti-science rubes who have dared to question the veracity (we won’t say rectitude, since the word smacks of geometrical intolerance) of our experts’ pronouncements. Recently, the attacks have been renewed in a scurrilous campaign of not only misinformation but disinformation about so-called “excess deaths”.
While it is correct—strike that; following the lead of our fellow geometrical scientists, please note that all medical terms derived from the Latin rectus are to removed from our anatomical and diagnostic manuals—while it is good enough to say that statistics recorded by experts world-wide observe an alarming spike in non-COVID related deaths, they have nothing to do with vaccines. And while unprecedented numbers of victims have died of heart failure within days of receiving their umpteenth—note that we use umpteenth as the properly fluid and thus inclusive numerical term—booster, most of them young and fit, including umpteen hundreds of elite athletes dropping like stones on the playing fields, this is pure coincidence. We must remind all anti-science rubes that chronological proximity does not prove causation, which is a well-known scientific principle that any genuine scientist would know…well…well. In fact, assiduous research by the world’s medical experts has now pinpointed the true scientific reason for these unprecedented excess deaths, which, by universal consensus, have been expertly attributed to UNKNOWN CAUSES.
In their pursuit of the science and concern for the safety of all concerned, the aforenamed bodies hereby emphasize and admonish that UNKNOWN CAUSES-23 (or UC-23) has become a world-wide pandemic against which citizens must remain eternally vigilant. UNKNOWN CAUSES-23 is a virulent disease that is spread through droplets in the air, and has been proven to be able to live for months on surfaces. To protect themselves against infection by UNKNOWN CAUSES-23, the public is advised to wipe down all surfaces with disinfectant, use hand sanitizer liberally, and always wear a properly fitted medically-approved mask (even while driving alone in their cars—remember, UNKNOWN CAUSES-23 can lurk in your car’s ventilation system and live on its dashboard or steering-wheel).
Moreover, the public should avoid all large gatherings, especially protests against medical mandates and MAGA rallies, which are known super-spreaders of UNKNOWN CAUSES-23. Anyone who presents with symptoms of UNKNOWN CAUSES-23 is strongly advised to isolate at home for fourteen days.
As UNKNOWN CAUSES-23 advances through the world population, the CDC, on the advice of the WHO, has recently called for a world-wide travel ban and lockdown of all non-essential businesses. Test kits for UNKNOWN CAUSES-23 will soon be available free from all CVS and Walgreens pharmacies, and thanks to the pharmaceutical giants Pfizer and Moderna, who have once again stepped forward in their selfless dedication to the health and safety of the global population, an mRNA vaccine against UNKNOWN CAUSES-23 has by now been in the testing phase for a full three weeks, and should be approved by the FDA within days. (Indeed, the responsible governments of New Zealand, Australia, Germany, and China have already approved them and made vaccination mandatory for all government employees and essential workers, especially truck drivers.)
The public should be assured that vaccines against UNKNOWN CAUSES-23 are completely safe and effective. The aforenamed bodies are thus already embarking upon a vigorous campaign (in concert with governments and private social media) against an entrenched vaccine hesitancy, and are bound to remind everyone of the pandemic of the unvaccinated that occurred when the same unscientific misinformation and disinformation were disseminated by misogynists, racists, and extremists in the past.
Stay safe. We will get through this together.